The Jake Moore Memorial Site

"Hello everyone and welcome to my journal! My name is Jake, I'm 20 years old, and I reside in New York.

I have been a healthy teenager all the way up to 2001 when I was diagnosed with a rare life threatening illness.

I was hospitalized for 4 weeks in the Pediatric ICU and under went 2 major surgeries in which titanium rods were placed along my spine for added support.

While laying in agony in my hospital bed, I was approached by a lady representing the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and she came to inform me that I qualified for a wish. Before she could ask me what my wish would be my mind was already made up.

I have been a Counting Crows fan for a while now and their music played a huge role in my recovery, so wanting to meet them was the only wish I asked for.

Taking my firsts steps after back surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Right before I got up to do it, I listened to Rain King and that was enough to pump me up to overcome a difficult obstacle.

So anyways to make a long story longer, I did get the opportunity to meet the band in Seattle and have continued to stay in touch with a few of the guys.

A few weeks ago Ben asked me if I would be interested in posting my journal entries on his website and I really liked the idea. My whole purpose of doing this is to inform people who may not know to much on this topic and to show that people can overcome difficult obstacles. I appreciate your feedback on my posts, and as long as people continue to read them I will continue to posts them."  -Jake

"I've got an MRI today. Itwill be the first MRI that I have ever had. I guess I'm a little scared and anxious at the same time to see what it's all about. The reason I'm having this test is because lately the pain in my lower back in unbearable. I'm tired of going to bed every night in tears because my every move feels like I'm being punched. The doctor that referred me for this test, only thinks I have slipped a disk so we'll see. Earlier today my parents flew to Aruba for vacation. They felt guilty for not going with me to my MRI but why waste a wonderful trip for such a minor thing? My grandpa is taking me anways, I have a great bond with him so its just as well. Time to head to my appointment.

Alright I’m back from the doctors. Dang, that had to be the weirdest thing I have done in awhile. They put me in a really tiny tube with loud noises ringing in my ear. Halfway through the exam, the doctor told me I had a broken rib. Earlier in the day I was late to class so I was running across the courtyard and slipped on the ice and instant pain took my breath away. The pain that I already have is nothing compared to this. I figured I broke something and it turns out I did. I’m kind of nervous about getting my results back. It just seemed the doctors treated me a little different than what I figured they would do for someone getting scanned for a possible slipped disk. This one lady kept talking to me like I was a child, and several different times I caught the doctors whispering and then looking away when I looked at them. I dunno if that’s fair to say, but its just how I feel. It’s about 5 pm now and I’m being called for dinner, be back later when I get the phone call.

The words I never thought I would ever hear were just told to me. "Jake, you have Bone Cancer". I don’t know what to say or how to act. The phone rang, my grandpa answered, and in no time his facial expressions told me my fate. I finally got my turn to talk with the doctor and he basically told me that he was unsure of my prognosis and that my life depends on how far the cancer has spread. He told me this Friday I will be meeting with the Pediatric Oncologist at Albany Medical Center to get a game plan and start this battle for my life. Just before the doctor called, my dad called me from Aruba to check up on me and see how my MRI went. I told him everything went pretty good and not to worry. Now we have to call them back and tell them the horrific news. Man I’m really in a hole this time. I still haven’t taken in the fact that me, Jake Moore has bone cancer. Just last year I was playing baseball and football for my high school and now I might die? The thing that really hurts me is seeing my loved ones cry. I didn’t cry hearing the news, but seeing my big tough grandpa cry for the first time just killed me. I called a few of my closest friends to let them know. Before I called I tried to think of what to say but I just couldn’t. Just yesterday my only worry in the world was if this girl I liked felt the same and now I have to go from talking about that with my friends to telling them I have cancer. I called Greg first and basically just said it. He was so shocked with what I had to say, he refused to believe me. I kept it short and simple because I just want to be alone so I can take in everything. My hands starting to grow tired and I think I’m going to take a ride to my favorite place to think."

"A lot of things have happened in these past few days. It seems like I'm on a roller coaster ride that doesn't seem to stop. Yesterday, I decided to go to school to try and get my mind off of everything and to see my friends. I also had to inform my teachers that I would no longer be in their class. That was kind of hard because the reality was starting to set in. It was my great grandma's 90th birthday, so we went out to the restaurant where I was forced to quit due to my health. I was really close with my fellow employers so it was very emotional for me. I worked their for 5 months and enjoyed every minute of it. We met my parents at the airport last night. All this emotional stuff is taking its toll. Crying all the time only seems to make things harder. Anyways, this morning was the big day to meet my doctor for the first time. Pulling up to the cancer ward at the hospital and walking down the halls gave me goose bumps. Right now I feel my life is in somebody else's hands and that's hard for me to accept. In the waiting room I was surrounded by hairless beautiful children and cancer posters all over the walls. After about an hour or so we met the doctor. She sat me down and told me how it was going to be. She explained that the cancer ate away four of my ribs(completely gone) and that she was unsure of the progression of my disease. She said if the cancer is contained to one area then surgery and chemotherapy would be the key factors in killing this tumor. On the downside she also informed me that if the cancer has spread throughout my body they wouldn't be able to do anything and would only be able to make my remaining time on earth as comfortable as possible. Once again I broke down and started crying like never before. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything right now I just wanna go to sleep and forget about it. I also met my surgeon that's going to be doing my surgery this Monday. He will be doing a biopsy on my rib to make sure its 100 percent cancerous and also will insert a port into my chest. I guess the purpose of the port is to make it easier to get the chemotherapy treatments instead of over using my veins. I'm really looking forward to this weekend to spend time with my friends and family. My best friend from upstate NY is coming to stay with me. I have the weekend to get my thoughts together and to get prepared for the hardest battle of my life."

"I can't sleep.  It's 3:30 am and in a few hours I have to be at the hospital for surgery.  This will be my first surgery so as expected I'm scared for it.  I woke up with my back throbbing in pain, so in a way I'm ready for things to improve...hopefully.  Anyways, I had a great past weekend.  A few of my closest friends spent the day with me Saturday.  We drove around a lot because my friends aren't from the area.  I'm kind of with this girl Lauren and she also was along for the ride, and it was funny because my friends are from a small town and they think she's the prettiest thing ever.  I don't know what's going to happen with me and her but I really like her so hopefully she'll stick it out with me.  Later that night we must of had 10 kids squeezed into my room to watch 'Good Will Hunting'.  That movie is intense.  Sunday was a day that I spent with my family.  My room got a make-over.  I got rid of my bed and replaced it with a hospital bed.  Playing with the controls to move the bed entertained me for hours.  I also got a new dresser and darker curtains to keep the sunlight out if needed.  Its kinda sad because were taking all of my childhood stuff and replacing it with newer things.  I'm starting to hear other people in my houses getting up.  I should take advantage of this valuable time to spend with them." 

"I'm lying here in my hospital bed with a lot of unanswered questions.  I was told going into surgery that I was going to have a biopsy on a piece of my rib and that a port would be inserted in my chest.  I woke up Monday night hearing loud bubbles and noticed I had a tube coming out of my chest.  They told me when they went to do the biopsy there was so much fluid surrounding my lung that they had to drain over 2 soda bottles full.  They don't know how long this is going to be in me.  It's not my cup of tea but if it helps than it’s worth it.  The doctor never put the port into my chest and told me he needed to talk to me about it.  After doing tons and tons of tests he said my spine is really unstable and he's not allowing me to get out of bed or do anything that will put my spine at risk of being bumped.  He told me this Monday I will have to under-go major spinal surgery in which two titanium rods will be placed along my spine for added support.  I'm so miserable right now.  I thought the one surgery was bad enough, now all I have is to look forward to major surgery.  It’s crazy because just two weeks ago I was bussing tables at my old job and now they won't even let me sit up in my bed.  On the contrary, I guess I got some good news if that’s possible.  So far the doctors said they couldn't detect cancer in the piece of rib taken or in the fluid.  At the same time there not trying to get my hopes up but I appreciate their honesty.  With everything going on in my life right now I'm just so scared and confused.  If it isn't cancer then what could it be? As of right now I'm praying I don't have cancer because that's like the worst thing I could be diagnosed with.  I feel comfortable with my orthopedic surgeon because he was on the team that put Christopher Reeves back together after his devastating accident.  I'm so bored and tired.  It's impossible to sleep here with nurses always taking my vital signs or drawing blood in the middle of the night.  This woman wakes me up every morning at 6 am to take a freakin x-ray.  I plead my case every morning for her to come a few hours later but she doesn't seem to care.  Getting the x-ray done is so painful.  She has to slide this hard board under my back and its right where I just had surgery.  One person who has really been great for me with everything I'm going through is my sister.  She has spent every night with me and when I can't sleep she stays up to talk with me.  I love her more than life itself.  It sucks that I have to go through all of this but if it had to be one of us I'm glad it’s me.  I don't know what I would do if it was the other way around and she was sick.  So..today all I wanted to do was stay in my room and try to get some sleep but that was never going to happen.  So far today I've done an MRI and a catscan.  I've had a lot of friends visiting me so that breaks up these long repetitive days.  I must have 50 stuffed animals in my room from different friends.  I told my dad to go and give some of them away to other sick children on the floor.  Little kids will get more out of them than I will.  It’s really nice to see all my friends from school and to see people I haven't really talked with much this year.  When the going gets tough you really see what people are made of.  I'm starting to see different sides of people and many things people are doing for me I would never expect.  Well my nurse is telling me I have to go down to some other tests in 5 minutes so that's all for now."

                                 **Poem written by my sister**

In a hospital room, with Jake.

Fragile and meak.

A sigh, “don’t touch, I’m weak.”

I hear bubbling of a machine, blowing up a lung.

And the coffee races through my veins,

reassuring that everything will be ok.

There was a glimmer of hope today

Cancer is being crossed out, one letter at a time..

What do you do with a boy with a disease

who has no name?

What do you do with a statue that could crumble,

Once stood tall and noble,

He was unstoppable, beautiful.

And God works in mysterious ways?

What’s so respectable about crumbling down the statue?

There’s no mystery in sorrow.

I can see what’s happening in the hospital room.

"Yesterday morning I was rudely awakened at 6 am by this doctor who I have never met before.  He informed me he was going to rip out my chest tube.  I was very upset about this.  All I ask is for the doctors to be straight-forward with me and to give me warning if something of this stature is going to occur.  At the same time I realize they have a job to do but if it’s anytime for me to be selfish it’s going to be now.  Right now I really have enough to worry about without surprises along the way.  So anyways, when the doctor came into my room to take the chest tube out he told me to lie on my side and hold my breath.  While the doctors were fiddling around getting situated I kept trying to tell myself to tough it out and that things will get better.  My heart was beating 1000 times a minute riding high on adrenaline.  It was very painful to endure but I'm glad it’s out.  I've had a fever these past few days and the doctors think it was due to having the chest tube.  He explained to me that since I had a foreign object in my body, my immune system is going to try and kill it like it’s supposed to.  This Monday I’m supposed to have my spinal fusion surgery but if the fever doesn't go away that won't happen.  My doctor told me it’s too risky to do surgery if a fever is still lingering in my body.  In a way I'm hoping the fever continues through Monday because I'm really scared about this next surgery.  Anyways..earlier today my world seemed to be in slow motion after my doctor delivered me even worse news than being told I had cancer.  She told me that the cancer spread throughout my body and there's little they can do except make my remaining time on earth seem as comfortable as possible.  After being diagnosed with cancer I know there's a chance I could die but at least I have my faith to keep me going.  When my doctor told me that I was going to die that's the most helpless feeling I have ever felt.  Before she finished her sentence my heart sank to the floor and I was emotionally lost in sadness.  In the midst of everything my dad held me and kept telling me everything will be alright.  About 30 minutes later my other doctor came running into my room to inform me that I don’t have cancer and everything she said wasn’t true.  I don’t know why she came in and told me all of this but all I’m focusing on right now is that I don’t have cancer!  He told me that I have something called Gorham’s disease and that it’s extremely rare.  There have only been 188 cases ever reported and its really creepy to try and understand how I ended up with this rare disease.  The doctors know very little about this disease or how I got it so far.  My main doctor is going away to Arizona tomorrow but he will be researching Gorham’s disease while away.  What ever happens I just want to live and be happy doing the simple things I once used to do."

**Sorry if this gets confusing but I really shouldn't name drop (regarding my doctors)**

"I was supposed to have my surgery today but it was called off.  I’ve been running a 102 temperature these past 2 days and the doctors are starting to get worried.  They're giving me all these pills left and right trying to bring down my fever.  This fever is really awful but it did give me some more time to avoid the surgery.  My doctor told me that he’s going to plan for the surgery a week from today…because he only does this kind of surgery once a week on Mondays (thank you lord!)  I’ve laid in bed for an entire week and a half and I’m starting to get irritated and cranky because I just want to get up and walk.  I have lost the rest of the muscle I had and I look like an escapee from the morgue.  Earlier today was the first time I have seen myself since being here.  It was really hard to do because the person I saw looking back doesn’t look anything like me.  All I saw in the mirror was a ghostly white face, sunken eyes, and a skinny narrow face but not me.  My dad helped me clean up today.  I shaved for the first time, got my hair washed, and finally was able to brush my teeth.  I feel like a new man!  My dinner just arrived and its true what people say about hospital food..its disgusting.  My dietitian only allows me to eat jello and ice cream and after eleven days of eating just this I’m ready for some real food.  Every morning it’s either the x-ray lady or someone else hounding me to fill out the menu for the following day.  I mean come on, I’m only allowed to eat these two things and half the time I don’t eat them so they should flatter me and choose the color.  I feel like I’ve only gotten 10 hours of sleep since being here.  Been listening to the Counting Crows lately and I can relate to Adam a lot about not sleeping.  At night when I can’t sleep I play their CDs over and over...It’s one of the few things that brings a smile to my face.  I’m actually listening to ‘Recovering the Satellites’ right now and when I get done writing this I’m going to attempt to sleep (yea right!)  Well anyways, I’m really surprised that my girlfriend Lauren is sticking it out with me and is still being the affectionate person I’ve always known her to be.  Everyday after school she rushes to come and see me.  I look forward to her presence every waking minute.  When I was first told I had cancer she told me if I do chemo and loose my hair, she’ll shave her head too so I won’t feel singled out.  This girl is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  She’s the kind of girl that stops traffic or turns heads when she walks into a room.  She really takes pride in her appearance so for her to look past that and put my needs first…really makes me appreciate knowing such a remarkable person.  Well I’m starting to blab now so I’m going to try and sleep."

"This has been the longest week of my life.  All I have done is lay in this freakin’ bed!  I’m doing my best to keep my spirits up but I’m having to dig deeper than before and it’s hard.  I’ve had the best support from friends and family.  I don’t know what I would do if I was to spend these days alone.  I feel really bad for this kid across the way because I never see anyone over there with him.  I always make my nurse bring over my movies or stuffed animals anything to make his lonely days seem alright.  If I could get up I would gladly spend the afternoons with him.  My friends have brought me a lot of movies to watch.  I watched Dumb and Dumber and that was really something I needed.  It’s nice to choose humor over crying.  The nurses here are really wonderful.  I feel my nurse Amanda is an angel sent down from heaven to watch over me.  She has been my main day-shift nurse and I really look forward to her arrival every morning.  She always takes me to my tests and explains to me what I’m about to endure, offers support when needed, and lets me sneak 10 of my friends in my room when I’m only supposed to have 2!  This week has also dragged because all I keep thinking about is surgery Monday.  As each day gets closer I get freaked out even more.  My doctor told me with this surgery there is a chance that I could be paralyzed because they will be working with my spine.  Even though things are rough right now I keep my serenity by knowing things could always be worse.  Being paralyzed would have to be the worst thing next to dying..I think anyways.  Right now I can hear the hospital helicopter landing because its landing pad is directly above me.  Wish I could look out my window and see it.  Time to go I’m tired and Lauren should be coming soon....yahoo!!"

"Counting down the hours until surgery.  In about 5 hours I will be under the knife.  I can't sleep at all and there's no way I will be able to fall back asleep with so much tension on my mind.  Its been a long night but my nurse Amanda has kept me company.  She made me feel a lot better by just sitting down with me and talking about my worries and all.  She told me this first week after surgery is going to be really difficult but she also ensured me that things will get better.  I'm not looking forward to this but I do look forward to getting out of this bed!!  Wish me luck-"

Dear Jake,

    Hey there I'm sitting here right next to you a few hours after your surgery.  I can't stand seeing you this way.  You've got so many tubes and wires coming from you I can't count them all.  And these damn nurses in and out every 5 seconds.  I know they're just trying to make sure you're okay, but jesus, they need to just let you sleep.  You keep making me smile because I can see little bits and pieces of the real you shining through.  Like when you just got back up here after being in the recovery room, you perked right up to tell me you saw the Counting Crows on channel 9 last night.  I'd do anything for you right now, even sneak you an ice chip every now and again!  Eh, no one will know unless you throw up.  It's been 2 weeks today since we've been here.  I was with you for the first night after your surgery and I'm here now.  I just called the people on your phone list you wanted to me.  Everyone was so happy I called, they were all so worried about you.  I just can't wait until you can come home.  You take for granted the little things we always used to do.  Remember how all through elementary school to most of high school you were always in my room?  We just talked, listened to music, and did some homework.  I would do anything to have you back home and back to normal.  The next few days are going to be really hard, but you're a strong little cookie so you'll make it.  You'll be walking again soon and home again.  But so far we've only fought 1/2 the battle.  We're gonna find what's doing this to you and kill it for good.  I want my little brother back.  You are in a lot of pain right now, and you're such a morphine addict that its not working anymore.  They're getting you something stronger.  You nurse is just a hustling!  I never wanted to see you like this Jake.  I love you more than anyone in the world Jake, more than anyone.  We've always been so close, we've got a bond that is untouchable.  We're the ones we each go to when everyone else pisses us off.  I love you bud oh and..."I'll be standin' like a solider for you".        Love you always, Joanna

"If this isn't hell man I don't know what is.  Its been 4 days since my back surgery and I'm still in the worst pain.  I have a morphine button I can push to get a dose every 10 minutes but I think every 5 minutes would be better.  Waking up from surgery was awful.  Unlike my first surgery I was able to wake up on my own, but not with this one.  They woke me up at the tail end of the surgery to make sure I wasn't paralyzed.  I left the operating room and hung out in the recovery room for 2 hrs which seemed forever.  I was in the worst pain, my mouth was extremely dry from a tube down my throat, and time seemed to be in slow motion.  Anyways..so in about 20 minutes or so I'm finally going to get up out of this bed.  Its been 3 weeks since I've been on my feet and am I ever ready to get back on them.  I can't say how its going to go or how I'm going to do such a thing but I know I'll do it.  I'm listening to the Counting Crows right now trying to pump myself up and to get my mind in the right state.  Rain king seems to be the song that is going to do the trick.  Two of my closest friends are going to help me out during this whole thing.  Each and every day since Monday my nurses have bothered me to change my dressing on my back so it doesn't get infected.  I don't like anyone or anything near it right now so I really get worked up when they prepare to change it.  Enough of this depressing talk.  I finally got some good news today!!  A lady from the hospital told me I might qualify for a wish from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  My face has gone from a constant frown to an enormous smile.  She didn't even have to ask me what my wish would be before I blurted out I want to meet the Counting Crows!  I mean I'm not going to get myself all excited because there's a chance it might not happen.  I finally got some good news and something positive to look forward to.  I'm saying my prayers to continue living and also for my wish to be granted.  In a weird way I feel lucky.  I know I'm living a nightmare but I've gotten a second chance at life and I'm going to take full advantage of it.  I'm finally on my way to recovery and getting the hell out of here!  The lyrics of thunderoad in Rain king are dancing in my head.  Its weird how these lyrics and the music seem to be working better than the meds they are pumping into my frail body.  Time to walk..oh boy!"

PS. The hospital food sucks!!

"I switched hospital rooms/floors today.  I went from a luxurious ICU room to sharing a room.  In my other room I could control the temperature and with all these meds making me feel on fire that was needed.  Over here on D7 north the temperature stays at 75 and to me it feels like 100.  I'm cranky, hot, and ready to get the heck out of here.  The nurses are starting to get to me, the hospital food still sucks, and I lone to be at home.  Before switching rooms my nurse Amanda took me for a stroll around the unit so I could have a change of scenery and to finally look outside.  Looking outside for the first time in 3 weeks really hit home.  I've never been so thrilled and entertained in my life than I was today looking outside for that 5 minutes.  In the distance was Albany's skyline and the different buildings filled my mind with previous memories I had.  Later on Amanda paid me another visit on the new floor to sneak me in some ice packs to try and bring down my temperature.  Anyways..my new nurse over here is missing a few screws and I really am concerned if he is even qualified to do this sort of job.  I shouldn't have to contradict my care right now and up to this point I haven't but with this guy I am.  I'm really having a hard time adjusting to this new floor and room but I keep telling myself this is the next step to me getting out of here.  A few of my friends have stopped by today and I'm glad to see them but also embarrassed for them to see me looking this way.  An old girlfriend of mine who really meant a lot to me stopped by and it was great to see her but again I don't like the fact that people are leaving my room feeling sorry for me.  We all have our ups and downs and for me this is gunna be a bump in the road but that's all its going to be.  Like yesterday this girl I go to school with came into my room and once she saw me it was instant crying.  I was just sitting there with my family and when she did that it really made me feel out of place.  Its weird because a few times since being here with certain people I have been put in the situation of trying to entertain them or make them feel alright when I'm the one laying here.  Oh yay more disgusting food just came.  I really don't know why they bother.  My buddy Greg is a pig so I'll let him make the best of it!  Hey.. it keeps him happy and the nurses off my back.  Haven't heard anymore about my wish but my fingers are crossed.  Time to watch the TV and try to sleep."

"I'm finally home!  I left the hospital yesterday and I'm so happy to finally be in my own bed.  What an ordeal it was yesterday to check out of the place.  They told me I could leave at 10 am but they dinked me around until 1 o'clock.  Getting into my dads SUV and heading home was horrific.  Every little bump we hit greatly magnified the pain I felt.  That had to be the longest 25 minute ride of my life.  Once we finally got home I slept all afternoon.  Its so nice to sleep in peace without having someone always poking at you.  Earlier today I had a nurse come over to the house to change my bandages and give me meds.  This lady was so rough and made me really nervous and anxious all at the same time.  She ripped off my bandage on my back and a few stitches came out with it.  I flipped out on her because my previous nurses have all been gentle and we haven't had a problem.  This lady also told me that she's going to teach my Mom to change my dressing so a home visit won't be necessary.  I love my Mom and everything but she's no nurse!  Anyways I have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks to get my stitches out.  I'm not supposed to be laying on my back all the time but I am.  They want me to sit upright so my back can heal but I feel to sick to do such a thing.  After I get these stitches out I don't know if I will be able to look at my scar.  I dunno..I guess it will just probably take some time.  I'm really excited because in a little bit I'm finally going to take my first shower in 4 weeks!!  I'm going to be super careful that water doesn't even come any where near my back.  I just want to clean my hair and feel the running water again.  My sister is going to help me out with this..thank god for her.  So anyways..I heard back from the Make-A-Wish Foundation and they said once I start feeling better I will meet my wish granters to try and grant my wish.  I really really hope that the Counting Crows will take the time to meet me.  Can't wait until I get better so we can get this show on the road!! Time to shower."

"Just got back from getting my stitches out.  The nurses told me it would be pain free but I found it to be everything but that.  It didn't hurt until they started digging for the stitches in my lower back.  For some reason everything else has healed over except my lower back so my doctor had to open up my wound to make sure it wasn't infected.  I don't like anyone even blowing on my back let alone taking an instrument and digging into it.  I can still feel my back bleeding from this ordeal.  Anyways..I haven't wrote in awhile basically because I haven't felt that great.  Like I said earlier I can't bend over or do any sudden movement or it will reopen my lower back.  A few days ago I went to my Ortho doctor and while I there I had a leakage spot on the outside of my shirt and it was really embarrassing because I seemed to be the only one who didn't know it was there.  My doctor pretty much told me my options today and they weren't what I expected.  He said since my disease is so rare they are going to use experimental drugs to try and stop the progression of my disease.  He also said he can't promise me they will work but at the same time he ensured me he has the best doctors around the area working on my case.  As of right now nothings set in stone but I'm starting to get anxious because its been 2 long weeks out of the hospital and still no treatment.  He also informed me that I have legions in my neck and if the disease eats anymore bone, I will have to get rods in my neck just like my back.  If it comes to this point I don't think I want to continue living.  My dreams of being a NYS Trooper are already shattered and if I need this surgery then my second career choice of being a news anchor will be ruined as well.  He told me the procedure and in doing so they go through the front of the neck to successfully do the surgery.  My back surgery was bad enough but atleast I can cover my scar with a shirt...but if I have to get this done then the scar will be right out in the open.  I guess I just have one more thing to pray for.  I just read this over and it's so depressing..enough of that.  My wish volunteers from the Make-A-Wish Foundation called to let me know they will be coming over at the end of the week.  They sounded really excited to meet me but also eager to grant such a cool wish.  They said this wish is going to be very special because there used to granting Disney World wishes or N'SYNC ones.  Its really weird because last year around this time I had pretty good tickets for my birthday to see the Counting Crows play SPAC(Saratoga NY).  My grandfather wasn't feeling to good at the time and his doctors thought he might have cancer so I stayed by his side for added support.  I bit the bullet and missed the concert but it was the right thing to do and it turned out he was cancer free.  I get sick a year later and now the balls in my court with a good chance to meet my favorite band.  Its really weird how life works sometimes.  I will write to the very last detail of everything said when I meet my wish volunteers!"

"Today has been the best complete day I have had in a while. My day started with my girlfriend Lauren coming over bright and early to surprise me and make me breakfast. I really appreciate every little thing about her because she's so unselfish and is always willing to put herself in the background to make others happy. Anyways..I have noticed that everyday I am feeling a tad bit better even though it’s a slow process I'll take it. The main highlight of my day was the well anticipated arrival of finally meeting my Make-A-Wish volunteers. During the afternoon I sat around and bullsh*tted with Lauren pretty much trying to cover every aspect I thought the Make-A-Wish ladies would hit. I also did a lot of daydreaming that I was healthy again getting to meet the Counting Crows! In our conversation we also talked about if I do luck out and meet them what in the world am I going to say? Will I get tongue tied and look dumb? Will they be cool and down to earth like they come across? Sorry for rambling but my mind is wandering today. So yea around 5:30 my volunteers arrived with food and gifts..doesn't get much better than that! These 3 ladies have to be the nicest sincere people ever I swear. There names are Brenda, Kathy, and Kat. Just talking with them for 5 minutes made it seem like I've known them forever. They are so full of life and it was contagious because it pumped me up knowing they were equally excited to grant my wish as I am to have it happen. They brought over a whole bunch of cookies with soda and even went to the lengths of buying me 'This Desert Life' even though I was the first person at Best Buy to buy that CD when it premiered! So during the meeting we filled out paper work, more paper work, oh and did I mention I filled out paper work? The most exciting part of the whole meeting was mapping out exactly what I wanted in my wish. I told them I would love to see the Crows' rocking out in there on stage environment, a chance to meet them, and anything else would be a bonus. I don't know how I will handle myself if this works out and these ladies actually tell me its going to happen. If indeed everything does work out this will be by far the best dose of medicine I've ever had. We also discussed where my desired destination would be to see the band. Kat brought over their touring schedule and it looks like were going to shoot for either San Diego, Portland, or Seattle. I can't loose either way but I'm kinda pulling for Seattle because that's where I used to live and haven't been back since I was 5 so that would definitely be a nice welcome home present. These ladies also had to take me off cloud 9 to say there's a chance meeting the band won't happen so I have until the next meeting to think of a back-up wish. To tell you the truth I don't want anything else nor do I want to try and think of another wish. My heart is set on meeting them and that's all I want. They did say no matter what my wish is I'll have a stretch limo escort us to and from the airport so I'm pretty stoked about that. Hmm...so like I promised that is basically every last detail discussed in our first 55 minute meeting and they said they will be back in a week or so to update me on my wish. For me this has been the perfect day that is well overdue. **Please go to the Make-A-Wish Foundation's homepage www.wish.org and check it out**"

"Let's see what's been going on lately.  Well I finally started treatment to hopefully stop the progression of my disease.  I lucked out because this treatment is just pills and for the past few weeks or so my doctors told there was a good chance I could undergo radiation or have to take certain tests drugs that would make me really sick. So far the only side effect is feeling really tired but I'll take that over throwing up. I haven't heard anything else about me having to go back for a week to the hospital to do some sort of treatment like previously planned.  To be honest the last thing I want to do right now is to spend another week in that place..I feel I've paid my dues for now.  Anyways..lately I've been trying to gain some weight back and I'm also trying to tone up my weak muscles.  I'd say before I got sick I weighed around 165 pounds but in the hospital I was down to 139 pounds.  The good news is that I just put 19 pounds on in a week with this great medication that gives me the urge to always be hungry.  Being able to eat all the time and never get full is a guys dream!  I've also been walking a lap around my entire neighborhood everyday and for where my health is right now that's pretty good.  It does get really frustrating though because just walking around the block leaves me extremely tired and out of breath.  I think the main cause of this is due to the fluid buildup around my left lung from this disease.  There's been talk that my doctors want to do a procedure where they would follow the vein in the bottom of my foot all the way up to my lung where I guess they would try to find exactly where the fluid is being produced so they can seal it off.  It really doesn't make sense to me why they wouldn't just do the surgery around my lung instead of starting it at my foot.  Either way they said the surgery is really hard to do and they can't promise it will work so I'm kind of hesitating with getting it done.  Jeez..if they keep cutting me I'm going to look like a human dartboard!  I've been finding it hard to get used to the "new me."  Just looking at myself in the mirror with all these scars is extremely hard to do now I can't imagine anymore.  I think my real scare is that my classmates are going to view me differently when I go back to school.  I don't want to be seen as just the sick kid with everyone feeling bad for me.  God trying to impress the ladies was hard enough when I was healthy, I can't imagine what its going to be like now..but that's a whole other topic.  Yea so my guidance counselor has been constantly calling me trying to get me to start making up all the schoolwork I missed..so Monday I met my tutor for the first time.  Not to sound weird or anything but my tutor is really hot and so out of my league haha jk!!  She's also very smart and nice so It'll make learning boring school work somewhat fun..I hope.  We decided were going to meet Monday through Friday for 2 hours each day for who knows how many weeks.  I'm not overly thrilled to spend every afternoon inside doing work but I'm trying to stay positive and I realize this is a good start to getting my life back to where it was.  Dang its already 11:30 at night and I have a big day tomorrow because were going to the Children's Hospital at Boston to meet one of my other doctor's that will be making key decisions in my recovery.  Lights out!"

Fast forwarding to a few weeks in a simple but sweet entry.  The main focus of me writing today is to say my wish is finally set up..yahoo!!  My wish granters came over late yesterday afternoon to share the anticipated news with me and my family.  I'm going to Seattle Washington on July 16th-21st to spend the week and to meet the Counting Crows on July 18th!  This is going to be the coolest thing that has ever happened to me and at the same time I'm kind of hesitant of actually believing it really came true.  On top of all this great news I found out my buddy Greg is also coming along! Before I got sick me and him planned a spring break trip to South Carolina for a week but when that time came around I was in the hospital.  I told the ladies from Make-A-Wish about all of this and they said they usually aren't allowed to have friends go along but they are this time for good reasons.  Were having a limo pick us up to bring us to the airport and I guess were staying at one of the nicest hotels in the city so its gunna be awesome!  It was really great because these ladies took the time to make me a color itinerary of the week and it even includes eating dinner at the top of the Space Needle.  Everything is going to be great but my main focus is meeting the Crows!  I'm really happy that I'll be able to tell them how much their music has meant to me and how it helped me out during my month of darkness.  In a way their music kept things serene in a hectic time and helped me to stay positive during that month so I owe them a huge thanks.  Hmm..What else is new with me here?  I'm still doing an adequate amount of school work, still exercising, and trying to heal back up! Its hard to talk about average things because when there being put up against my wish talk it just seems ludicrous...so that's basically it right now..the 18th can't seem to come quick enough now and when it does I'll be ready

My day is finally here. I’m up really early because I tossed and turned all night anticipating today. So how its going to work is that were going to meet Nova, a Make-A-Wish representative from the Seattle Chapter who will escort us to the venue. I can’t believe the day is finally here...I’m feeling somewhat nervous but really excited at the same time. My day so far has been nothing short of wonderful simply because I awoke to my parents bringing me breakfast in bed and that doesn’t happen very often. I never thought that would happen so something as little as that is greatly appreciated on my behalf. So anyways..we arrived in town 2 days ago and the trip didn’t go without a few surprises along the way. My sister told me that there would be a surprise at the airport the day we left but what that would be I’d just have to wait and find out. It turns out 15 of my really good friends showed up at the airport at 5:30 am to wish me a great time on my trip. That meant a lot to me and it really was a perfect way to start my wish. Once in town we took it easy for the first day but yesterday was a whole different story. We started the day off by going to the aquarium in the morning and then a Seattle Mariner’s baseball game for the afternoon. The baseball game was really fun mostly for us guys. My dad is a huge Seattle Mariners fan and me and Greg played baseball together on the same team so we all had a great appreciation of those 3 hours at the stadium. It looks like that’s it for now..I’ll be back tonight with the good stuff!

I’m back and still in shock so bare with me. I’m going to do my best to remember exactly what happened in the order it occurred.

Around 3:30 in the afternoon we all went and met Nova(Make-A-Wish representative) in the hotel lobby and she escorted us in a limo to St. Michelle’s Winery where everything took place.

When we arrived at the winery there were crowds of people outside of the show and it was funny because they thought we were the band so my dad rolled the window down a crack and stuck his hand out and waved to the folks.

That was a way to ease the tension in the car and it brought laughter to a nervous situation.

When we got out of the car I could hear the band already playing so soon after we were escorted over to sound check so we could watch. We were the only people at their sound check and when it concluded I finally was able to meet the people who’s music had such an impact on my life.

I came up with some questions to ask them on the way over and they were nice enough to answer them while I recorded it for keeps sake. To be honest before I met them I was really unsure of how everything would unfold and how they would act towards me but once I met them they were all incredibly nice to me.

After sound check Matt(bassist) brought me on their tour bus and Dave Bryson(guitarist) even let me pick 2 songs that I wanted them to play. I went with ‘Have You Seen Me Lately’ and ‘Catapult’ because I feel those were the ones that gave me the confidence boost to want to beat my disease and to take the steps that I needed to in order to get out of the hospital.

So after that Tom(tour manager) was nice enough to show us around the winery and even gave us t-shirts. We went out to dinner and when we returned it was time for the big show.

There was a really cool opening act that went on before the Counting Crows..his name is Glenn Phillips and he used to be the front man of the band ‘Toad of the Wet Sprocket’. Although he was really good my main focus was on the band that would follow.

The feelings I got when they came on stage was nothing I have ever felt before. It was such an adrenaline rush on top of pure excitement that was well needed and deserved on my part.

The show was amazing just like I knew it would be but the highlight of my night was when Adam(head-singer) dedicated one of the songs to me. Dang this is getting long so I better finish up.

After the concert we went backstage and had the opportunity to hang out with each band member and talk with them on a more personal level.

Adam was so genuinely nice because he sat down with me and my family for like an hour to talk to us about everything and anything.

I did get my fair share of autographs and pictures with them but it was just as well so I could get it out of my system haha. Another really cool thing that happened to me was when Matt(bassist) gave me his e-mail address and told me he wanted to stay in touch.

Each and everyone of those guys treated me so great and I’m so excited things fell in place the way they did. After we said out goodbyes the car ride home was full of laughter and excitement which was lacking in my life..so it was nice for everything to come together in such a great way.

There’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to fall asleep after all of this! So that’s basically everything and the good new is that I still have another 5 days in Seattle to still have fun.

That’s all for now..glad things went the way they did!

Ledger of the head's transactions,
log of the body's voyage,
it rides all day in a raincoat pocket,
ready to admit any droplet of thought,
nut of a maxim,
narrowest squint of an observation.

It goes with me
to a gallery where I open it to record
a note on red and the birthplace of Corot,
into the tube of an airplane
so I can take down the high dictation of clouds,
or on a hike in the woods where a young hawk
might suddenly fly between its covers.

And when my heart is beating
too rapidly in the dark,
I will go downstairs in a robe,
open it up to a blank page,
and try to settle on the blue lines
whatever it is that seems to be the matter.

Net I tow beneath the waves of the day,
giant ball of string or foil,
it holds whatever I uncap my pen to save:
a snippet of Catullus,
a passage from Camus,
a tiny eulogy for the evening anodyne of gin,
a note on what the kingfisher looks like when he swims.

And there is room in the margins
for the pencil to go lazy and daydream
in circles and figure eights,
or produce some illustrations,
like Leonardo in his famous codex-
room for a flying machine,
the action of a funnel,
a nest of pulleys,
and a device that is pulled by water,

room for me to draw
a few of my own contraptions,
inventions so original and visionary
that not even I----genius of the new age-
have the slightest idea what they are for.-Billy Collins

-This poem really hit home and for anybody else that writes in a journal I'm sure you'll appreciate this man's genius way with words on another level just as I did-

I’m up with the sun this morning.. I didn’t sleep much because this afternoon I’m getting the chance to hang out at my favorite radio station (WEQX).

For my wish enhancement, the Make-A-Wish foundation set all this up and I can’t wait.

I’m going to Manchester, Vermont to spend the day at the radio station and I even get to make my very own radio show about my wish--which should be interesting!

I can’t get over all these nice things Make-A-Wish has done for me–first they granted my wish and now I’m getting to do this. I’m bringing along my sister, buddy Greg, and the Make-A-Wish ladies with me so its going to be a good time for all.

I guess a limo is going to pick us all up at my house..I’m really starting to enjoy this fancy way of traveling! So yea I’m being rude and not entertaining my guests so that’s all for now.

Today has been another unbelievable day.  Let it be known that this radio station has always been my all time favorite even before all of this so when I found out that I was going I've pretty damn excited ever since.

Anyhow when we arrived at the radio station a few of the DJ’s greeted us and showed us around a bit. These folks were so great they even went to the lengths of setting up my very own party with great food and a kick ass cake!

It was really nice to meet all the DJ’s that I listen to on a day-to-day basis and to be able to put a face with their familiar voices. We didn’t spend much time there cos’ I wanted to go and tour the place! Boy I’ve never felt so much like a kid in a candy store as I did looking around that place. Pretty much every one of the walls were covered with framed records and stories about the bands..a lot of which I adore. I coulda spent the rest of the day just reading each and every last one of them but our tour guide made sure I stayed right up there with him.

The radio station is such a nice place because it used to be a house at one time–everything and everyone were so laid back which made things so much more enjoyable. I really didn’t know what to expect in the beginning but by the end of the day they made me feel as though I was one of them. So while I was there 2 different newspaper reporters interviewed me about my wish. That’s the first time I ever did anything like that so it was cool cos’ I love doing things for the first time.

Well anyways the guy showing us around hooked me up with so much cool stuff I felt like I robbed the place when I left haha! I got to watch the DJ who was on live and when the commercial came on he showed me how everything worked. When he came back from break he put me on the radio and asked me some questions about my wish and the band. I was all tongue tied at times because its not everyday that I get to talk on the radio! I was so happy he put me on the air but he even let me pick and introduce a Counting Crows songs which I went with Rain king to pump people up on their drive home haha. I brought my photo album from my trip along and it was funny to see their faces drop after they saw all my pictures with the band.

Alright time to get on to the best part of my day. I recorded my very own half hour show that’s going to air this Sunday morning. The woman doing the interview just happens to be my favorite DJ there so it made it that much more special. I talked a lot about how my wish was set up, why I chose the wish I did, and the fine details of my wish/trip. I had those questions down from earlier so it was a piece of cake! Also Wendi from Make-A-Wish was in there with me and she answered all the questions about the foundation and told people how they could help out if they wanted to.

Today was the first time I met Wendi which I’m so glad I did cos’ she is so much fun. Today has also been real special for me because of the fact that I was able to bring the ladies that set up my wish along. They have become part of my family and something tells me I’m going to grow close with Wendi as well. Well anyways once my big debut was over we spent the rest of our time there in the party room. This was clearly the highlight of my friend Greg’s day because he loves to eat and god did he ever! I had to tell him to slow down or else he woulda eaten’ them out of house n’ hold haha. All in all today has been so much fun and I’m looking forward to this Sunday so I can hear the interview.

A few hours ago I just carried the Olympic torch as it passed through Albany believe it or not. I was nominated to do this by a family friend and I really didn’t know what to expect until I actually carried it.

I was picked up at my house by the guy who nominated me and he works at a Chevrolet Dealership where everything was pretty much held. I had a chance to meet all the other torchbearers and we introduced ourselves to one another. After that the people who were on the Olympic committee told us exactly what to do by outlining the course and rules.

By this time I was getting really nervous because the chance I might drop the torch and mess everything up crossed my mind a few times. We got on a small bus and our Mayor of Albany wished us well on our run and jinxed us not to drop the torch! I was 5^th or 6^th off the bus and I was told not to run by my doctors the other day but my adrenaline was running high because all my friends and family were chanting my name on the sidelines so I couldn’t resist!! I ran two blocks with the torch and it was the most exciting 5 minutes of my life.

In front of me was a huge truck and on the back of it was a few guys from Kodak taping me run and snapping pictures that were planning on buying. It was crazy because they had like the main street in Albany blocked off for this with hundreds of people lined up to watch. When I finished up my run I lit the next guy’s torch and it was nice to watch him run with it because I knew how much he was going to enjoy it.

I’m really happy because we decided to pay the ridiculous amount to keep the torch which looks really cool in my bedroom. My grandpa said he’s going to make a case for me to put it in so I won’t ruin it which I probably would very well do. This whole day is really special to me because just in the beginning of the year I was showered with the possability that I may never walk again and now I just ran with the torch to end out the year.

So anyways right after I was done carrying the torch I had 4 different newspaper reporters interview me and take my picture. I must of had 30 some odd strangers come up to me and ask for an autograph and a picture. That was kinda odd but at the same time I enjoyed it cos' that’s not an everyday occurrence for me. All my Make-A-Wish ladies came to cheer me on and they even had special signs made with my name on them.

A few months ago I sent my Make-A-Wish angels to the Counting Crows who were nice enough to autograph them and as a surprise I framed them and presented them to the ladies today. When they opened them up they were so surprised and the look on their face made it worth it. It was my way to say thanks for everything they did for me.

Another cool thing that happened to me today was before the race the guy who nominated me let me in on a secret. Since Chevrolet was sponsoring the Olympic games they were allowed to pick around 4 thousand torchbearers and out of those 4 thousand they chose 5 to use in their dealership magazine that goes out to every dealership in the states and I am one of those 5! I guess the committee who picked me out really liked my story and thought I fit in perfectly. I’m looking forward to celebrating the new year tonight and bragging to my friends about today!

I’ve ended back at what seems to be my second home. I’m in the hospital as a patient again and I’m yet to be told of what my problem is this time. I’ve been having killer headaches lately, pretty much the same ones I was having right up to being diagnosed. I made an appointment to get a catscan done yesterday which was hell to do because I just wanted to lay down and do nothing else. No later than an hour after taking the test my doctor called and told me to get back over to the hospital cos’ it looks as though I have fluid around my brain.

My sister was cooking me a steak so I made sure I was able to eat it before we went over. I still can’t believe I’m here right now, I only thought it was something minor but I guess not. I just want all of this to be a thing of the past and not a periodic occurrence to make sure these doctors don’t forget my face.

I’ve had 3 spinal taps done since yesterday and they think I may have a leak around my spine which is throwing the pressure off causing the headaches but where the leak is exactly is the problem. They told me finding these leaks are extremely hard to locate If there small in size–it’s sorta like searching for a needle in a haystack.

Well after hearing that I feel mighty confident about this whole ordeal haha. I haven’t heard anything since about the fluid around my brain so that’s in the air right now. One thing I’ve learned while being at the hospital is not to get worked up over the first thing they say cos’ most times it’s bound to change. It’s weird because I feel fine when I’m lying down but right when I get up these headaches magically appear.

To clarify myself it’s not just a plain headache, I’m not that much of a lug it's more like a migraine that tightens my neck up and makes me lightheaded If I try to do anything. I’m not really excited about having to room on the adult floor but the pediatric floor is full so I guess it’s the next best thing. The nurses here treat me like everyone else and there’s only a curtain separating me from the next guy. I hope I start feeling better cos’ I’m missing the last few months of my senior year at school. Not saying I’m a fan or anything of it but I paid my dues for 12 years and I’m gunna be damned if I can’t enjoy what I’ve worked for.

In the beginning of the month these headaches were kickin’ in and caused me to be sick as hell at my prom. I picked up my date and on the way back to my house I started feeling nauseous and had to pull over to throw up which was kinda embarrassing. I was in no shape to go but I forced myself to cos’ I didn’t wanna leave her dateless. I just laid my head down on the table the whole night but she stayed with me and for that I can’t thank her enough. I was hoping she would make prom court and its funny cos’ we both made it together. Anyways I’m ready to get out of here and walk the aisle at my graduation next month. -Jake

The Politics of war was on Jake’s mind, he posted his thoughts trough a poem:

Self Evident 

Yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

So here's a toast to all the folks who live in Palestine
Afghanistan, Iraq, El Salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of Mt. Rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of Oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall

and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?-Ani Defranco 

Jake would often post lyrics to songs about how he was feeling.

Mississippi

Every step of the way we walk the line
Your days are numbered, so are mine
Time is pilin' up, we struggle and we scrape
We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape

City's just a jungle, more games to play
Trapped in the heart of it, trying to get away
I was raised in the country, I been workin' in the town
I been in trouble ever since I set my suitcase down

Got nothing for you, I had nothing before
Don't even have anything for myself anymore
Sky full of fire, pain pourin' down
Nothing you can sell me, I'll see you around

All my powers of expression and thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice in reason or rhyme
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long

Well, the devil's in the alley, mule's in the stall
Say anything you wanna, I have heard it all
I was thinkin' about the things that Rosie said
I was dreaming I was sleeping in Rosie's bed

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees
So many things that we never will undo
I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too

Some people will offer you their hand and some won't
Last night I knew you, tonight I don't
I need somethin' strong to distract my mind
I'm gonna look at you 'til my eyes go blind

Well I got here following the southern star
I crossed that river just to be where you are
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long

Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drownin' in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothin' but affection for all those who've sailed with me

Everybody movin' if they ain't already there
Everybody got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now

My clothes are wet, tight on my skin
Not as tight as the corner that I painted myself in
I know that fortune is waitin' to be kind
So give me your hand and say you'll be mine

Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way
Only one thing I did wrong
Stayed in Mississippi a day too long-Bob Dylan

Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,
Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?-Robert Hayden

Jake used to write songs and poetry as a way of expressing his feeling

-Sad but True-

Mascara’s running down her cheek
She’s telling me things I don’t believe
I’m sorry my words aren’t the same as yours
His ghost replaces my calling
Just take a minute to clean your slate
Forget the monsters on your top floor
And enjoy the silent inception

You’re setting yourself up to bleed
Sweet one just believe
Catch the next train out of town
And let silence do the talking for a while

These are the days we’ve waited for
Count your thoughts
And write them down
Cross them out one at a time
Don’t sweat the small things
Only time will tell
He’s just exploring the ways of love
The weather’s changing in my part of town
But don’t jump ship and go down so young
If he happens to rearrange his plans
Give the future a chance and try

You’re setting yourself up to bleed
Sweet one I believe
For what its worth
A train out of town
Would do you some good

The sunshine hurts my eyes
I’ve got my mind made up
I’ve got something to believe
But who am I kidding?
Looks like jealously is in their eyes
Those two years are now saved in time
I wish these visions would see through
My mind’s in one place but my hearts still with you

I guess her strings grew weak
Jump onto my cruise
I’ve got stories you can use
Sit back and I’ll teach
I’ve already caught the trade winds of loss
Battled my heart for what its worth
My sails are open, though cursed, but free

You’re starting to bleed down your cheek
I know its hard darling
But you got to understand the times
Hurry and catch the train out of town
I still think silence is something you could use-me

*Here's a song that I just wrote tonight even though it sounds more like a poem

Well if its sucks I'd rather